I had this weird dream the other night
It was like I was lost in this big blue blanket of ocean.
Salt water mists spray
Stinging sensations on dried-out skin
With every bob and weave that slices
Through a fat piece of the vastness of a watery grave

You see
Every day for the last couple of months and then some
Suicidal daydreams rule the peaks and valleys with every wave that hits
It’s just gotten a little more lonely as I stare over
The wild blue yonder statically interrupted
With white foam
Looking for a destination home.

And, right now.
Right now, I don’t see anything.
I have my
Telecope elongated
Searching through it’s tubular eye socket for any sign of…

For realz
I don’t know where this journey will land
Compass has been broken for years
GPS hasn’t been reprogrammed with new directions for the endless
Creeks, waterways, rivers, or lakes
Filled with the many tears of not knowing where I belong
Solitude makes the breeze around me turn up in a silent scream
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I find my way home?
What did I do to deserve the isolation of this raft
Made of splintered hopes and weathered dreams
With a sail torn from insecure choices caught in the crosshairs of doubt

Too many days at sea, I guess
Watching in rewind the many opportunities I let sail away
Watching in fast forward everyone else merrily float by in their red, white, and blue colored inner-tubes
Towards their seemingly pre-destined honkey-dory futures
As I… just… drift.

But sometimes,
Just sometimes in the timeouts of my own personal grief and despair
I try and force out a smile to greet the unsuspecting masses
In hopes that
Giggles would give way to chuckles would give way to laughter
Which ultimately gives way to absolute MADNESS
Madness at myself for believing the mirage of my rudderless existence
Madness at my blame towards others who are getting theirs while I circle in the waters of sadness
The lunacy of madness has finally broke free into a tidal wave of just being MAD

I grab the oar
I pull the threads of current behind me
What was once the stale air of redundancy
Has breathed a new life of independence and focus
You best be getting out of my way
Or I will row row row your ass over!

Eyes shut out of anger and motivation
Breaking free of the depression I have drowned myself in
I paddle like my life depended on it,
Cuz guess what, Son? It does.
And I row, paddle, stretch, until every muscle in my body has spent it’s very last drop of determination
I burn the fuel of nitrous-oxide dreams, a half-glass full of possibility, and a 151-shot of hope

And let’s not forget
the most important non-alcoholic sober propelling ingredient of
SELF BELIEF

And all this
Leads me back to the search in the circle of square one.
Where am I now in this big blue blanket of ocean?
Ain’t no lie,
I’m just being honest with you.
I’m still wondering myself.
But here’s one thing I do want you to know.
I am on my way.
Row by row by row.

by Conrad Panganiban